


academic destinies (girl afraid remix)

by summerdayghost



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Mortality, Remix, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-04 17:31:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20474876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerdayghost/pseuds/summerdayghost
Summary: Kendra was not afraid to die.





	academic destinies (girl afraid remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Beatrice_Otter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beatrice_Otter/gifts).
  * Inspired by [In Another Life](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27053) by [Beatrice_Otter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beatrice_Otter/pseuds/Beatrice_Otter). 

Let’s get one thing straight before we begin. Kendra was not afraid of death in any way, shape, or form. Being a slayer was all she was born to be. It was her calling that she accepted with every ounce of her being.

She could not remember exactly who she had been before she knew she was a slayer other than the fact that she had been. Some part of this was willful. More of it than she would admit. Kendra considered the day she found out that she was a slayer to be the day of her birth. Whoever she might have been before that point was irrelevant. Finding meaning from those days felt the same as trying to attribute meaning to the actions of a fetus to Kendra.

But part of being a slayer was to die. Not only to die, but to die young. Some slayers had lived to see their mid twenties. Some. From the perspective of the average slayer that was ridiculously elderly.

Kendra only really expected a few more years at most. She should be thankful for making it this far. The thing is, the reason slayers die so young is that when fighting evil and the forces of darkness the slayer has to win every single time while the evil demon only has to win once. When all a person does is take on vampires and demons night in and night out the odds begin to stack against them. Every single day survived as a slayer was nothing short of a statistical miracle.

So to put it more simply and concisely, to die was a part of Kendra’s destiny. A rather huge part of it. That was why she had no fear of death. How could a person fear such a beautiful and useful part of themselves? Such a thing would be madness. Kendra lost all fear of death the day she answered the call to adventure.

If you could call vampire slaying an adventure. She most certainly would not. Simply doing her duty would be a more likely way for her to think of vampire slaying.

***

Hands down, the most disappointing part of Sunnydale was the library. It was tiny. On one hand since Giles was the librarian of a high school, she could somewhat understand. A person could hardly keep all that many occult texts alongside the basic academic things the school needed. But even if Kendra considered the academic books for the rest of the school a part of the library and not just the books on the dark arts and demonology, the library was still pitifully small. Adding the books Giles kept outside of the high school library to the inventory pile when determining size did not do much to make it any bigger.

Mister Zabuto’s collection of texts absolutely dwarfed that of Giles’s. Kendra had the feeling either she had been spoiled or that Buffy had been deprived. She ultimately settled on the latter option as more likely even if she did not feel that Buffy would have even wanted or would have even been able to appreciate any better than this.

Still, as disappointing as this place was, Kendra would not be ungrateful. She would use the texts provided to her to their full extent and the best of her abilities.

***

Kendra was not afraid to die. If anything to die would be participating in the next step of the grand tradition that all slayers are a part of. In that way she almost looked forward to death.

Almost was the key word in that last sentence. To completely and unambiguously be excited for death would be foolhardy. Such desires caused horribly mistakes and stumbles in even the best there had ever been. It was sloppy. Kendra was not here to make sloppy mistakes that threatened her own life and lives of others. She was here to make a difference. That was what all slayers were for.

***

So, as it turned out Giles’s library at Sunnydale High School was not a complete disappointment like Kendra thought it would be at first glance. Upon further inspection she found several rare texts that she had never seen before. She had read about many of these texts before, and a few of these texts she had never even heard of before.

It seemed while Mister Zabuto had just about every essential text for their field and Giles hardly had any of those (he barely had the Slayer’s handbook), Giles had been hoarding all the ancient esoteric texts to himself. Perhaps the nature of his collection had more to do with joy than pragmatism but she did not care that much. She could not wait to read every word anyway.

The only reason she had not done so already was that looking into the Order of Taraka was her top priority. Things done purely for her own enjoyment would have to wait. Work always had to precede play.

***

Kendra was not afraid to die, but she was a girl. She was a girl like every slayer before her had been and every slayer after her would be. People always forgot that about her. Sometimes it seemed as if the world started viewing her as a woman before she was capable of sitting up on her own. It was far from fair but Kendra did not expect fair. Not anymore.

Kendra was not afraid to die, but she was just a girl.

***

“What do you think happens when we die?” was holding the book tight in her hands and staring Giles directly in the eye, “I mean, after we die.”

Reincarnation was Kendra’s favorite answer, and it was what she hoped Giles would tell her. He was the last person she needed any form of affirmation from, but it would be nice to feel so alone. Even if he said something else she would not feel cheated. She did have a genuine interest in what he might have to say beyond him possibly telling her what she wants to hear.

There was something fascinating about the whole concept of reincarnation to her. She loved to look at people and wonder who they had been and who they would be, and maybe, just maybe, it made everything easier to swallow. The idea that after we die, life just continues on.

Many of Kendra’s nights since finding out her destiny had been spent awake thinking about where she might go next. As much as she loved being a slayer she would not want to go down this road again. She hoped that maybe next time she might get to be a scholar.


End file.
